When married couple Mia , 32, and Per, 38, met six years ago via a dating site, both longed for a villa, a Volvo and a doggy. Which is a pretty good description of the life they live today. But aspects of their relationship fall well outside of prevailing marriage norms. On Mondays, when colleagues ask how they were at the weekend, Mia and Per usually reply that they haven't done anything special.
- But in fact, you may have had sex with five or six different people in one evening, says Per, laughing.
He started frequenting nudist baths and kinky parties in his 20s. It was obvious for Per to be open with his whole life before a new partner. Mia had no experience with the kinky scene but was not deterred. She started joining the parties.
- It was my own idea. I've always been curious and wanted to try it, she says.
Unfortunately, the membership club that organized the kinky parties shut down shortly after Mia and Per became a couple. Then they decided to try Stockholm's only swingers club.
- We agreed that we needed to replace the kinky parties with something that gave the same kick. At one point at a kinky party we saw some people having sex in public and found ourselves getting turned on by it. So it felt right to make an attempt, says Per.
At the swingers club, everything revolves around public sex. Per and Mia often go there on weekends, both to watch and sleep with others. Some couples primarily want to have sex with each other in front of an audience. Group sex also occurs.
- What happens depends on the mood and who is there. Going to a swingers club is a bit like playing the Lotto - you never know what you're going to get, says Per.
In serious swingers clubs there is a rule that must never be ignored. No means no. No one should have to interact sexually against their will, and it is completely acceptable to stay in the premises without having physical contact. Membership is required for entry and the clientele consists of couples and single women who come there in the company of couples. Anyone who acts drunk will be rejected.
- There is a bar that sells beer and wine, but you're not there to drink, you're there to fuck, says Mia.
Otherwise, there are no formal rules, but some guidelines that must be followed in practice in order to be long-term in the company. A prerequisite is to be whole and clean, as well as not to talk about other members outside the club. There are priests, lawyers and many others who do not want to make public a norm-breaking sex life. Everyone is also expected to go home in the same company they came with. At a swingers club you stay as a couple. There is no compulsion regarding contraception, but avoiding infections and unwanted pregnancies is in the interest of all members. Mia and Per always use condoms and regularly test themselves for sexually transmitted diseases. Their experience is that it applies to the majority of swingers who go to clubs.
- That's why I recommend everyone who wants to test the swinger scene to start with clubs. It is much safer than connecting with couples online or going to private parties. We've tried that too, but sometimes with less good experiences. Once we had arranged a meeting with some who turned out to be high. Then it was just a matter of turning around, says Per.
However , the organized swinger scene is not that big in Sweden. Mia and Per list four clubs apart from the one in Stockholm. This can be compared to Denmark, which has ten clubs in Copenhagen alone.
When Mia and Per left Stockholm for a smaller place in Uppland just under a year ago, their lifestyle became more complicated. The Uppsala area has no swinger scene at all, they say. Repeated attempts to meet nearby couples online have not yielded results. Now Mia and Per have given up on that point. As soon as the home has been sold, their moving load will go back to Stockholm.
- Partly because Per didn't manage to get a job in Uppsala, but also because the mentality is different in small towns. The neighbors want to know everything about everyone and are generally less open to people who don't live like them. The big city is more anonymous and accepting, says Mia.
There aren't many people who are completely open about being swingers. According to Mia and Per, there is widespread intolerance and moral panic. Sometimes they have encountered the notion that swingers are horny for everything and everyone.
- At a party, a girl was suddenly in a great hurry to leave. Afterwards we found out that she found out that we are swingers and thought that we would basically jump on her, Mia tells us.
They believe that view is based on ignorance and fear. In fact, they would never assume that someone is interested in sexual interaction.
- It feels like Sweden has had a peak in terms of acceptance of differences. Now it is most likely on the decline, just look at the Sweden Democrats' successes, says Per.
In the close circle of acquaintances, almost everyone knows that Mia and Per are swingers, including their respective parents. The main reason they talk about it is that they don't want to lie. The reactions have mostly been positive and curious.
- But of course, we choose to tell people who we know are open and tolerant. When I brought it up at a previous job, it turned out that two colleagues were Jehovah's Witnesses and totally condemned swingers. I have learned to be more restrictive, says Per.
The couple has no plans to stop having sex with others. For them, it's a spice in the relationship they don't want to be without. Being able to satisfy and be satisfied by people with different body types and sexual preferences is positive for self-image, says Mia. The big overall benefit is to get an outlet for feelings and desires they would otherwise have to shut down.
- Then the couple's relationship is strengthened. In this way, you have to be open to each other with your fantasies. It would hurt me not to know everything Mia turns on, says Per.
At the same time, both emphasize that the swinger scene cannot save a bad relationship. If the communication between the parties does not work, it will hardly be good for anyone. The basic content is to always talk to each other, both before and after the swinger sex. Even while staying at the club, it's good to have secret, shared codes to make sure your partner is okay. Those who are jealously inclined should think twice before visiting a swingers club.
- Although to a small extent, jealousy can actually be good. If it sticks out when I notice that someone can add something to Mia that I can't, it's proof that it's her that I care about, says Per.
Because sex with others is just sex. Together they have much more than sex, and that is what Mia and Per call love.